On being a Graduate
I decided to take an unannounced break from blogging as the end of semester and end of exams really took it out of me and I needed some time to recuperate. Never fear though, I have returned to give you your weekly bathroom reading.
I received my final University results and to the surprise of everyone, especially myself, I had managed to pass everything. For those of you following my exciting story that means I have met the prerequisites for leveling up from undergraduate to, the far more prestigious, Graduate. Upon reaching this new stage in life a number of options become available and I would like to spend this post discussing them.
Immunity from Prosecution
I’m not a lawyer, or even remotely qualified, but I’m pretty sure the number of words in your degree title is the number of days per year you are allowed to act with full immunity from the law. So as I have a Bachelor of Arts in Security, Terrorism and Counterterrorism Studies with a Minor in Journalism and a Minor in International Studies, I get about twenty days a year where I can do as I please. Obviously though this only starts next year as they still need time to put my details into the system.
Instant Knowledge
This one is great. Basically anytime you are involved in a conversation/argument/debate/shouting at strangers in the street you are entitled to say, “Well from what I learnt at University before I graduated.....” and then you fill in the blank with whatever statement you think will win you the argument/conversation/debate/respect of strangers in the street. The best part is that no matter what you say it immediately becomes true because you are a Graduate. It is inadvisable to twist reality too much.
Graduate Surcharge
From now on, whenever you perform any service whatsoever you can apply the “graduate surcharge”. This, again, entails adding up the number of words in your degree title but this time for a percentage. Mine, for example, is twenty percent and I can now add an extra twenty percent charge onto any service I render. The graduate surcharge, unfortunately, cannot be added onto any dealings with family members as they will likely just scoff and remind you that they used to change your nappies.
Though these are all wishful thinking I have enjoyed being a graduate so far. I’m sure, when the realisation that I will have to get a real job and stop publishing rubbish on the internet sinks in, I’ll eventually start to have a predictable panic attack. When I do I promise to document it for you and write it up for this blog.
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